I cried tonight! Hard!
Is it okay to be scared? Ross said, "Yes."
As the shock and awe of what we've gone through starts wearing off and reality starts creeping in, the emotions are coming with it. I've needed to cry. You know how women are- a good cry gives such release and clarity. I've only been crying a tear here or there over random songs or certain parts of Tangled. :) Tonight, as I tried to muster up my sleep, I just sat here next to my ALIVE and always handsome husband and cried.
Today Liam turned 2!! The emotion I have at my children's birthdays is up and down under usual circumstances, and today I just felt numb. I am very tired from a long night of checking Ross' temp and dealing with the fear of "it" happening again. But, I felt like I wasn't ALL there with my sweet boy's monumental day. I felt like WE weren't all there.
(I'll post pics of the celebration when I get them from my photographer friend, Jordan. It was a great party!)
I don't want to sound depressing to anyone, and hope that you will read with the framework of 'this is my place to post my thoughts as we grow' and embrace my transparency. That said, today's party was a realization of how we aren't functioning in normal Thomas Family Four ways. It hit me square today for some reason. I LOVE birthday parties, baby showers, and weddings! Celebrating life and love are one of the things I can get OCD about. I get all squishy inside and it explodes into a party!! But today something was "off".
Right about now your saying to your self, "Duh, Jamie!" When "it" is happening to you, you feel, or at least I feel one step behind in reality. It's part of trauma, I think. So my trauma-fied, sister tells me. ;0)
Today's celebration felt incomplete. Please don't hear me be ungrateful... Soooo grateful for the friends and family who came to celebrate and helped me pull off a party in the midst of our "current situation". I'm beyond words THANKFUL that our family is still the FOUR of us and Liam is well!! It's just the gut wrenching reality that the head of our family is somewhat absent. (resting his head-ha! I couldn't resist) I feel lonesome for the old us.
It was comfortable.
It was easy.
It is gone and we are forever changed.
Praise God for the GOODNESS being worked out in our troubles!!
I know healing takes time... you who know my personal health journey know I KNOW about healing. There is something inside me not comfortable with how Ross is doing. (I'm calling all the professionals Monday, don't you worry.) I don't know if it is fear based or intuitive based... I've been to strung out to take the time to meditate. It's just tricky and so technical when dealing with the brain! Not many answers and only some understanding. It's weird when doctors look at your husband with fascination and intrigue! (Most scratch their head- they don't even realize they do it.)
Ross is sleeping soundly next to me as I type tonight. My now TWO year old sleeps in his big boy bed and my four year old princess snoozes away. The FOUR of us under one roof, blessed beyond measure and my emotions go haywire. Good Grief!
Today's feelings were just unexpected for me.
Peace and Good night!
Jamie
P.S. Happy Birthday, my precious, red-headed son! I love you infinitely!
5 comments:
Oh my goodness, Jamie. Oh. My. Goodness. Bless your sweet heart. I pray that you find healing in your tears, as well as through the act of putting words to your thoughts through this blog post. At times like this, pretty much no thought or feeling is irrational or invalid - your feelings are what they are, and finding ways to let them out is healing. We haven't seen or talked with you guys in absolutely forever, but you still hold a special place in our hearts. Bret and I still laugh about Ross losing the youth van keys at Schlitterbahn, gosh, like 10 years ago?? :) I pray there are many, many more good memories and fun enjoyed in health ahead of you, dear friends.
Sweet Jamie - you are so good and exactly where you needed to be. About 3 weeks ago I told you to go into robot mode and when the time was right - you could cry hard. I think this was a good time! Now you will turn the corner and see what is up ahead. I am here (well maybe not there yet today...)and our Groves family will do just as much as you need us to! We love you - and with you we are thankful for Ross but a bit puzzled too. Remember to journal about his days - it will help you keep track and put perspective on your thoughts! Much love - gig 'em! (Oh wow - I do kind of like that saying!)
Your FATHER loves you more than you love your son. Just as you would want Liam to come to you when he's hurt, your father eagerly holds his hands out to comfort you. Sit in his lap, cry your pain out to him....let him hold you and say, "I love you. I'm here." You have just walked through a VERY scary valley! God has given you the strenth you needed and should you walk through it again, HE will be right there with you.Prayers will continue for Ross, especially, and all in your little family.
I know this is silly....but...I just read my post and misspelled "strength." The English teacher in me can't let it go. I really do know how to spell that word.Ha! Vanity!
Welcome the tears- welcome the healing that comes with them. Thank you for being tender - for loving your family - and for being strong and agile enough to jump this hurdle. Tonight, you are not alone!! our prayers are over you, may His peace cover you like warm honey. To Him be the Glory, forever and ever Amen.
Post a Comment